Friday, August 26, 2011

My garden

I began this blog last month right after hearing Pastor Judi speak in North Port. I have struggled to finish it. I have struggled to put unto effect what has been needed to happen in my life. I have decided this particular subject will have no end so I will periodically re-visit this subject. Please bear with me on this journey.
So Pastor Judi after a wonderful introspective lesson last night I resolved to inspect my relationship with my family. I would compare my heart to a well tilled garden, something I have been working on for several years. I said to God see I am ready to plant. And He said "What about those?"... pointing out some very tiny almost imperceptible weeds sprouting in the furrows. I said yes I can take care of those, I will spend more time wit my husband, I will encourage him more, I can do more for him, I can be more attentive, Yes Lord I can have more patience; I can take care of these and any other little things sprouting in my heart that do not belong. Yes Lord I will.
So what did you also say? "When you say yes to God...It is GAME ON! as far as the enemy is concerned." So this morning guess what...First thing this morning there sprouted in the middle of my well tilled garden a very big ugly weed. What started it I can't recall only that it is a problem with disciplining the girls, a and I do not back him up, and continues into who is responsible for paying what and where did all the money is a very ugly weed and when I try to pull it or dig it out I get pricked with thorns. I proceed to have a mini meltdown, I cried and I said I don't want to do this anymore...I don't want to be in charge...I don't want to be responsible for everyone...Then I left... and I cried on Jesus' shoulder. Why don't you just heal him so he can go to work, so he will feel needed, so he will make decisions again, so he can be responsible?
This problem was deep and had been there a long time and is still there. Sometimes I can prune it and then it's not so bad. But God is now telling me to remove it and take down the fence. I said what fence? The Lord said look carefully, look deep inside. I saw the fence that had been there a long time. So long in fact I had forgotten it was there.
I was stunned. Here I was tilling and tending and preparing my garden so when God gave me seeds of ministry to plant it would be ready, and all this time there was a fence in the back that I was ignoring. Whenever the weed would grow over the top I would prune it as if it was someone infringing on my personal space. Sometimes I would put another board up to keep things out. Now here it was growing in the middle, off the roots of the roots of the weed I would not remove. when you are trying to ignore a problem it does not mean it went away or it is not growing often it is growing ever stronger. Now I am not saying there was nothing in my garden. Love flourishes there, compassion is everywhere, tenderness, generosity, and many other things grow well there all the time. So what isn't growing... and why?
I removed the boards to see what I am dealing with, God said look down at the roots there are seed pods there. The labels read...RESPONSIBILITY, ORDER, and GROWTH. My house was out of order, my responsibility was lacking, and my growth is stalled. I was not very happy with the revelation of all these things wrong. When
God opens your eyes to things like this all you want to do is blame someone else. I did not want to be head of the family anyway so why am I the one that needs to grow these seeds? I always thought if I can just keep on working and pay the bills eventually God will make it easier for me. I keep thinking this is just my imagination...I am really Okay...right?
I know of course that this weed has been there a very long time most of it consists of resentment. Not really anger just a deep resentment for being the one to go to work, to make the choices and to take on the responsibility of the failures. I am here to tell you ladies when the decisions are thrown your way, with a "you'll do whatever you want anyway" or a "no one cares what I think" added to it, you begin to hate being responsible. I realize this is something that comes with depression which is what my husband is dealing with, but it is still not an excuse to harbor resentment. I rarely respond harshly to my husband I internalize it and rationalize that this is how it has to be.
I had been told by many a pastor that I am responsible for me, for my decisions, and my reactions and that I am not responsible for anyone else's reactions or decisions. Unfortunately I had forgotten a very key element in God's plan..."and a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one, Gen. 2: 23, 24. I am part of another. I am in many ways responsible for the "we" the difficulty is how much of it am I responsible for? Where does "we" end and "he" and "I" begin? After 26+ years of marriage you would think I would have a lot of this figured out. The problem is I have spent very little time on figuring it out. It is too easy to get into a mode or habit of doing things and time slips away and nothing is figured out.
I think my error was in that I quit trying to figure it out, I quit trying to get my husband's opinion. I just began to do things right or wrong and he let me. This according to the Word is wrong. I must submit to my husband and this means putting him first. I have not been doing that, I have not even been putting myself first, I have just let things slide. I want very much to remove this obstacle, this weed, from my garden. The question is where do I begin? I am now trying to weigh every word that I speak. Do I agree with him? Do I back off even when I know he is wrong? I need to connect again. I have one huge problem though, he will adamantly agree with me when we discuss things and then simply not follow through. If I was really good at handling things that would be fine, but I am no business person. I am not the best at finances and I do not challenge him when he decides to spend even if I am sure it is not a good idea.
Where is the balance?
I will post this and see if I can come up with some solutions as I continue to hack away at this weed and cultivate my seeds. With God's help they should begin to take root soon. Some trees that you plant never grow viable fruit for 7 to 10 years after planting, some even longer. This is a process that will take time. I am going to need to find the correct mix of water(activity) and fertilizer (prayer). I will post any progress I make.
Love and Prayers; ever in pursuit of Zoe.